The Realist

The Realist is independent and centered. Approaching love with a realistic and practical lens, they value stability and reliability in a romance. They appreciate having their own careers, friends, and the space to live their own lives and make their own decisions, even when they’re in a relationship.

Though they may not specifically be looking for a relationship just to be in one, they enjoy being in love and are comfortable with commitment, especially when it doesn't feel stifling.

This type is comfortable being alone, and their search for a partner is based more on the right fit rather than driven by an unmet need to be with someone.

Desires

• An independent sense of self and life outside of the relationship.
• A foundation of shared beliefs and goals, even if the details differ.
• A stable, anchored romance rooted in realistic expectations on both sides.

Ideal Relationship

• A relationship where both partners can have their own space even when they’re spending time together.
• A partner who is comfortable and willing to explore their own interests alone, but is also interested in discovering some shared hobbies and experiences together.
• A relationship in which a practical, realistic approach to love takes precedence over spontaneity and fantasy—they want to feel anchored within a relationship once they choose to be in one.

They are great at being ‘alone together,’ and they like to feel as though they can be in the same room as someone else without the pressure of having to put on a show for them. These are the sort of people who want to attend a party together but socialize within it separately; who are comfortable being in the same room as someone while reading a book by themselves.

Because of their independent and self-reliant natures, they don't need as much time or reassurance from their partners to feel loved and accepted.

Being with The Realist

For partners who are also independent and centered, being with The Realist can feel like a breeze, devoid of unnecessary drama or games. Because they make the decision of entering into a relationship so carefully, when they do inevitably choose a partner, it can feel special/romantic.

Their pragmatic nature can feel freeing for their partners because they need fewer displays of affection and reassurance to feel loved. In such a relationship, each partner has the space to maintain their own sense of self.

For a more interdependent and entropic type, however, The Realist's stoic and pragmatic nature can come across as aloof or detached. And consequently, they may not proactively give their partners the kind of warmth and reassurance that they themselves don't need in spades.

Bright spots of a relationship with The Realist

• Partners can have their own lives while still feeling a sense of shared stability within a relationship with The Realist.
• Being in a relationship is usually all the reassurance they need, so partners are freed from the pressure to find ways to show they care.
• Because they don’t need a partner, it will be evident from the start that they want their partners, which can make their willingness to commit to a relationship more special.
• They have a specific type of partner in mind and so are unlikely to stray once they find them, especially because they often see no value in relationships that have no future and may not be too impulse-driven when it comes to love.

Challenges of being with The Realist

• The Realist is so centered that funny enough, they may on occasion make their partners feel less centered. They’re a stabilizing force in some relationships but their focus on self-sufficiency risks them making partners feel like they may not be able to rely on them in times of trouble.
• The Realist can look at most things, including love, with practicality or logic that can be misread as emotional distance. While they don’t mean to be emotionally cold (and may very be warm in their non-romantic lives), it can sometimes be difficult to be vulnerable around them.
• Since they make most of their decisions systematically, the onus may be on their partners to get them to open up, especially at the beginning of a relationship.

Compatible types

Although they do best with other independent, practical, and centered types, they can theoretically date many types of people. They do seek some shared goals and values, but because they desire space and freedom within a relationship, they’re also likely to get along with people even if they have some differences.

While interactions between two Realists can sometimes run the risk of being routine and dull if there’s too much focus on the practical aspects of a romance, there’s also the potential for this to be the steadiest sort of relationship. Both have an anchored view of commitment and with shared practicality, they’re likely to only enter a relationship together if they feel like they’re a good match.

• IPCA
• IRCA
• IPCD
• TPCA

Even though they can usually regulate their emotions better than most other types, no one is completely immune from hurt and frustration in a relationship. They may have a tendency to stuff down these emotions, leading to a pressure-cooker effect. If their partners don't encourage them to talk about how they’re feeling, they can explode at inopportune moments.

A healthy relationship, even for the most independent-natured people requires some level of interdependence: a balanced give and take where partners can share their feelings, rely on one another in challenging times, and enjoy spending some amount of shared activities together.

For The Realist this can become a challenge, especially if they’re caught up creating independent spaces within and outside the romance.

While it’s often difficult for them to allow themselves to settle into rhythms because they’re worried they will turn into unhealthy dependencies, it may be advisable for them to remember that some amount of life-blending can be truly fulfilling in a romance.

Unhealthy adaptations

• Retreating inward or to their independent lives when conflict arises.
• Trouble understanding emotional perspectives when focusing too much on practicalities related to love and compatibility.
• Keeping emotions locked away till they reach boiling point rather than talking to their partners about their feelings.
• Assuming a partner has the same centered, practical approach to romance, making them bad communicators in the initial stages of a relationship.
• Focusing on practical solutions to conflict and prioritizing what’s right over what’s good for the relationship, keeping them from coming to healthy compromises.

Struggles

• Leaning too much on their desire for independence even within a relationship can block them from developing intrinsic emotional ties to their partner, which can create distance in a relationship.
• Because they can view emotional vulnerability as being ‘needy’ or ‘demanding’ in a relationship, they may sometimes ignore and stuff down their own emotions, or have trouble letting their partner know when they've been hurt.
• They can be so focused on the realities of a relationship that they can have trouble letting go enough to have spontaneous romantic experiences.
• Settling into the togetherness of being with someone can be a struggle for those who view any blending of their lives as a threat to their independence.
• When they develop romantic feelings for people with whom they see no pragmatic future, they experience dissonance between their dominant pragmatic tendencies and latent romantic side.

They are usually able to balance their emotions and vulnerabilities, within and outside of a relationship. They form healthy attachments and know how to move on when they begin to feel unhealthy.

Because they are centered enough in their own sense of self they’re unlikely to feel stabs of jealousy or insecurity in a relationship, which can encourage trust between them and their partner

Healthy Adaptations

• Centered by their own sense of self, they extend understanding and compassion to their partners in times of need. They create a safe environment for their relationship to thrive.
• When conflict arises, they make themselves present and a stabilizing force to address underlying issues with calm and patience.
• Not caught up in the fantasy of romance, they proactively avoid partners with whom they know they are a mismatch.
• With the ability to gauge when a partner is not the right fit, they accept and move on from relationships with maturity.
• With a combined practical, centered, and anchored nature they work through most conflicts with emotional maturity and without losing their cool.

They are usually able to balance their emotions and vulnerabilities, within and outside of a relationship. They form healthy attachments and know how to move on when they begin to feel unhealthy.

Because they are centered enough in their own sense of self they’re unlikely to feel stabs of jealousy or insecurity in a relationship, which can encourage trust between them and their partner

Healthy Adaptations

• Centered by their own sense of self, they extend understanding and compassion to their partners in times of need. They create a safe environment for their relationship to thrive.
• When conflict arises, they make themselves present and a stabilizing force to address underlying issues with calm and patience.
• Not caught up in the fantasy of romance, they proactively avoid partners with whom they know they are a mismatch.
• With the ability to gauge when a partner is not the right fit, they accept and move on from relationships with maturity.
• With a combined practical, centered, and anchored nature they work through most conflicts with emotional maturity and without losing their cool.

The Realist has a strong sense of self, which can somewhat surprisingly, make them one of the most easygoing types in a relationship. They’re not the sort of people to get frustrated if their significant other spends most of the night on their phone, and may be more understanding if a partner needs to cancel plans with them.

One of the biggest strengths of The Realist is the ability to put heartbreaks in perspective, approaching them with reason rather than just emotionality. Because they can intellectualize their suffering, they're more likely to be able to move on from relationships that they recognize may be toxic for them, even if they’re still in love with the person.

• They’re able to be alone, and often most comfortable by themselves. Because of this, choosing a partner comes from a true place of intent.
• They don’t remain in relationships that are not working. If they feel a fundamental mismatch or unhealthy codependence brewing they’re able to end the relationship even if it may cause them pain.
• They can spend time with a partner without needing too much individual or focused attention, making them easy to have around.
• Their independence and security give them a sense of authenticity because they don’t feel the need to be someone else to attract a partner, which means their relationships likely have the ability to begin from a place of honesty.